The Top Twelve US Tour Crimes – the gospel according to St Eve

Axemen Dirty Laundry Liquid - makes the laundry even dirtier!

As, sadly, Stu and Bob aren’t talking to me and there are obviously some communication issues and I suspect they somehow feel wronged, I thought I would get the ball rolling and air the grievances I have about what was otherwise a fantastic and unforgettable US Tour, my lifelong dream and something which I would do again in an instant.

I would love to get any comments from other touring bands and perhaps even Stu and Bob themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time and I feel my life is actually now complete and I don’t feel I need to prove myself to anyone ever again; I am grateful for that and appreciate all that everyone put into it – it does irk me however that the person citing (correctly) that communication is the key to us getting on in future is ignoring his own advice.

Anyway, for the benefit of anyone else who ends up in this situation, these are my Top 12 Grievances (in no particular order)

Steves Top 12 US Tour Crimes

  1. [bb] carrying illicit drugs in the touring vehicle without informing drivers. This could result in drug convictions and deportation for the perpetrator, but also could implicate the driver for smuggling across state borders, a federal offence. Take your own risks, but don’t drag everyone else down with you.
  2. [sk] demanding payment for gig in Santa Cruz he didn’t play at because of illness when he knew it was coming out of my pocket.
  3. [ds] saying stu was a shit drummer. not good for confidence and cohesion at a time when he was down
  4. [sm] drinking and ‘wrecking’ a couple of gigs (isn’t that considered ‘normal’ axemen behaviour? in the old days sober gigs were in the minority…)
  5. [bb] partying and smoking so much hooch and cigarettes bb was hoarse and unable to sing for 2 or 3 gigs on the east coast (again, ‘normal’…?)
  6. [sk] whinging in the tour van about temperature, music, health, etc. – grating after a few days.
  7. [ds] sleeping at merch table
  8. [sm] getting shitty at bob for trying to get his rocks off with some girl in Austen and saying that if he went off I wouldn’t come and pick him up ([sk] would no doubt have agreed to do this despite us both knowing bb’s longterm girlfriend – “they might have an arrangement…”) if he went off with her.
  9. [sm] calling bb’s longterm girlfriend in NZ (just back from taking his kids to his dads funeral in dunedin) to ask if they had an arrangement (nope, although bb had mentioned a couple of days before leaving that he might sleep with other people) and to ask what she wanted me to do (“don’t give him any more money, i’ve already given him $2000”) then refusing to pick him up in the morning after i told him i wouldn’t the nite before.
  10. [bb] wandering off and losing cellphone so was not contactable in large cities where there were tight deadlines so we had to wait around and/or go find him.
  11. [sk] trying to hide the fact that bb passed out in NY from not controlling his diabetes due to being so out of it he forgot to take insulin
  12. [sk] taking credit for arranging tour and paying for rental car – thats fine if you’re trying to impress the ladies, but not trying to lord it over other bandmembers

hope this is useful, my therapist said it would be helpful to me to itemise my grievances – i can feel the good already! thanks guys! love ya!

9 thoughts on “The Top Twelve US Tour Crimes – the gospel according to St Eve

  1. Huh, sounds like Bob did all the same annoying kinda stuff I did myself in 96 and 00 – i can’t believe to this day i drove a rental car without even a NZ license, halfway across the states and back, high on cocaine and booze and pot, carrying all three in the car, all of which was being paid for by zarakovs credit card – driving 12-15 hr stretches to make gigs then getting drunk in the carpark and playing a lousy set and then hitting on the wife of the support band guy who was giving all of us a place to stay (mike rep – nice guy) and then stumbling around new york with the dr tring to find a place we could get a clean fit and some dodgy neighbourhood killer who might sell us illicet drugs and then playing our new york show on a rooftop being pelted by eggs thrown from the building across the street who’s yuppies didn;t care for us and being so out of it on acid I didn’t even notice and singing a gig by screaming into the pickup of my guitar cos the mic had broken and meeting these degenerate fucks who liked s and m clubs and cocaine and having far too much cocaine with them and wandering the streets like bedraggled huttons sausages in the drizzly new york morning and demanding to be let out of a van at a borderline gasser because the rest of them don;t want me to drink ANOTHER six pack in the van – and yet I’d do it all again in a heartbeat -0 well, not do it again, like i’d do it differently and I haven’t gone into any of the other things arrising as not my fault like people’s habits and insecurities getting them into paranoid blank offs and shut-ups and only being able to get that shit american food which is full of corn starch and tastes like cardboard except for the fried chicken and hangovers on trains – i think it took about ten years for some people to even talk to me again after that – note daniel johnstons early jaunt to new york as captured in that documentary about him – what makes daniel (and bob) great artists is that they have no control – not of their lives but their impulsive behaviour is unmanageable but so is a rock and roll riff – like wrestling a vaseline snake – humm thats what makes such travails so essential and so excruciating.

    1. yup i would expect that shit from 25 year olds… probably fun if you are doing it just boring and irritating for those picking up around it.
      and pretty cringey when you see it done by over-40s…

  2. omg! Amerika kills my favorite nz band after crowded house!!! its like some personal 911. you can’t let them win.

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